“R U OK?” Self-Care Strategies for 2021

This past year has been really tough on the mental health of millions across the globe. In this episode with R U OK? Board Director, Graeme Cowan, we discuss:
- Why he thinks the R U OK? movement has become so popular and important.
- What are the three most impactful self-care strategies that he has seen work over the years.
- What he does to make sure his resilience bucket stays strong.
- And so much more.
To watch this inspiring episode, click the video link below, or if you would prefer to read the full transcript click the blue button under the video.
#ruok365 #Leadershipresiliencespeaker #mentalhealthspeaker
[Music]
well hello
and welcome to the wine and wisdom show
it is so
wonderful to have you here if you are a
returning guest
thank you for coming back and cheers to
you i’m
i love it when i see familiar faces but
if you are here for the very first time
uh let me tell you what it’s all about i
know it must appear that
it might just be about having an excuse
for a wine which of course it is
and sharing of wisdom but the show is
actually about connection
and uh i think that’s one thing we’ve
learned over the last 12 months that as
humans we really crave
connecting with other humans who bring a
smile to our faces
some warmth to our heart and some wisdom
to our brain and
oh my gosh the guest tonight that i have
for you
we’ll definitely be doing that uh i feel
i feel very lucky that i’ve been
surrounded by so many incredible
resilient
and courageous self leaders who are
making a
positive difference across the globe and
uh yeah as i said tonight’s
guest is no different but before we get
started on
that what i’d love to do is to
acknowledge
the traditional custodian spread across
the many lands that we’re all locate
located on today
i’m personally coming to you from the
lands of the birrabirragal people
uh here in birch grove balmain i i do
pay my respects
to these traditional owners who have
nurtured and protected
this wonderful country that we all get
to work live and play
in i’d also like to extend my respects
to their elders past
present and emerging so
oh no i mean you can see what
who’s coming on are you okay board
member grey and cow and i know that
you’ve seen it everyone’s been excited
i’ve been getting
texts and emails hello graeme how are
you
great thanks hardy really lovely to join
you so lovely to have you here and
graeme
what have you got in your glass tonight
a little
pinot a little pinot noir oh very nice
oh yeah i’ve got a buttery chardonnay as
usual i’ll have it start
young hard whatever the expression is
so graeme uh we’ve known each other for
a little while i’ve i mean i’ve
i’ve watched your amazingness over the
last i don’t know five six seven years
uh but
we have in the last 12 months actually
been
in a mastermind group together so we’ve
got to know each other
quite well um but i’d love it if you
would share with everybody here tonight
you know all the good things that you
are sprinkling across the world
in the the amazing graeme cowan way
yeah i guess that really starts with um
a little bit about my story
um you know i worked in sales and
marketing and i work in human resources
and pro it was very much in the
corporate era i worked with johnston
johnson and pfizer and those sorts of
organizations and then
i worked with morgan banks and other
recruitment companies but
there was a really tumultuous time in
the market
uh which where the really the
recruitment markets just um
got got hammered and i got and i got
hammered as well
i um i i had suffered with
depression all in my life but i began a
five-year episode which my
psychiatrist described as the worst ever
treated you know i was
out of work i um you know my marriage
broke down i had to go back
and live with my parents and i sort of
call out a little bit of my george
costanza years you know
i really i really wasn’t uh kept in the
world like i love george but i don’t
want to be george
i’m sure no one wants to be judged
and then i it was a gradual uh emergence
from that
involved you know starting to exercise
regularly reconnecting with family and
friends meditating
and and a really i guess pivotal moment
was when i decided to write my first
book which was called back from the
brink
and uh that was where i interviewed
people well-known
everyday australians who’d gone through
really tough times and
what helped them and i think uh when i
was working on a
a project really that purpose and trying
to help others
that really assisted with my recovery
you know you moved from an eye to a wee
and how can you make a difference and
then through my books i started speaking
and and then
through that i met uh gavin larkin
and uh gavin uh was the founder of are
you okay
um also the ceo ceo of an advertising
agency
and he heard me speak um and he just
approached me about being an ambassador
and when he shared what was about you
know um
really targeting the people around those
who could be vulnerable
i knew how important that was to
people’s sense of um well-being and
self-esteem and all this sort of stuff
and so i really was you know all in in
that first year
and it was quite um an amazing year in
2009
we had really no money no employee
but we had a dsp as well by the way
but we did um start off with a really
really
great brand and a great great message
and it was a simple message that a
conversation could change your life
and i already know knew from my own
experience that i would have made it
without the help and support
of my my parents when i went when i
wasn’t going too well
and so that led really to being asked to
speak back in the corporate world
and even back in 2009 you know i was
offering to speak about
you know optimizing mental health and
all the companies were saying oh we’ve
got no problem here it’s all under
control not an issue
but of course that really uh changed
substantially in the last five years
where there’s been real
recognition of what the cost is of
having poor mental health and what the
the advantages are of having great
mental health and so
initially i sort of talked about
overcoming depression and
helping carers of people with depression
but it pretty
quickly evolved to um talking about
mood and i have a you know a model
called the moodometer
which has the green zone amber zone red
zone and in the green zone
you know we’re optimistic resourceful
energetic grateful
in the red zone we’re angry depressed
ashamed
etc and uh and in the middle and i found
that uh
language can be really important and
just like having the right languages are
you okay was really pivotal
you know talking about a modometer and
talking about green zones and red zones
rather than
you know mental illness really helped to
break down that stigma
and uh and it sort of evolved to
working with um you know leaders to
having the right environment a caring
and resilient environment
yeah i mean i i read a i read a stat
just recently regarding the impact that
mental ill health has in australia on
that the productivity was done by the
productivity commission which
you know as you know is the government’s
key economic kind of
advisor law to these types of things and
they said that mental ill health
uh is costing us 220 billion dollars a
year just here in australia
and you know mental health
health ill health is obviously it is the
wide spectrum of what falls under that
umbrella
but it really has a very wide ripple
effect
not just on our our professional lives
individually on our ability to form at
work but it
also has an impact on our team members
that we’re involved with
um that the customers that that
organization might be trying to serve
and of course a ripple effect through
our families and our friends and our
communities and
uh this particular report said if if we
just invested
uh i think it was i’ve got it here um
4.2 billion we could save another 20
billion
you know that there’s just so much money
in um prevention i suppose that it’s
still possible for
for us and i think you know when you’ve
got people like yourself who are going
into organizations
you’re helping leaders and their teams
to put things in place
so they can turn up and and and be able
to work to the best of their ability
i mean we just need more they don’t win
graeme because
it’s just such a such an important part
and i think
in this last 12 months gosh
i mean i don’t know about you but like
that kind of mental health pandemic that
we
are in and will continue to unfold this
year i mean everyone expected
2021 to be this brilliant sparkly
fabulous year we’re all going to get
over it and it’s going to be fine but
of course we know that’s not the case
and people are really struggling
in february looking ahead for a whole
year ahead aren’t they
they really are and um you know for the
last
year or so you know i’ve been asking
people what what the fair most stressful
about the pandemic and two things always
come through it doesn’t matter whether
it’s government or not for profit or
private enterprise it’s uncertainty and
also isolation
and the uncertainty always comes first
and you know i think we are used to
having a
degree of control in their lives and
this
this time this experience has just you
know thrown that out the window and
unfortunately you know groups in
victoria and melbourne have probably had
it worse than
anyone and uh you know they had a
massive massive i think
last time i heard that about 130 days of
you know tight lockdown
and then this last weekend they went
back and again
it’s just tragic it’s tragic
i’d love to know um for those of you who
are listening um
where are you dialing in from is anybody
from melbourne right now in lot you know
from lockdown
or we got people in sydney whereabouts
in australia are you
watching us from so we can see you know
what your experiences have been uh in
australia which of course are far better
than any other place in the world but
it’s all relative right um so graeme
when we’re talking about that talking
about how difficult uh the year ahead
is going to be for everyone as we go in
and out of things
uh i’d love you to uh he’s linda really
seeing this in the workplace right now
in sydney yes um lots of trouble
uh with people coping so which brings me
to my question
which is all about what what do you
think are the three most
i suppose impactful things that people
can do
for themselves when there’s so much we
can’t control of course
all we have to do is what we can have
some control
of in our own lives what do you suggest
are those three things that we
can have a bit of control over yeah and
i think um
you know that volatility the uncertainty
has been very draining for people and
and so what i really talk about
is focusing on the things we can control
and as you say
we have choice on what we choose to do
each day and uh i talk about
you know three areas of resilience
well-being vitality which is our
physical health like
exercise resting well eating well
intimacy which is our emotional
well-being so having
you know strong and supportive
relationships around us and nurturing
those relationships
and finally prosperity which is our
contribution well-being you know the
contribution we make in our
work or charity or wider world and
i the vitality intimacy prosperity
stands for vip and i i say to people
you have to act like a vip and acting
like a vip
is making sure that you you know top up
little bits and not wine but uh
water into those uh into those glasses
because
you can’t just do one and forget the
other it’s like a stool
and if you know one leg’s a bit wonky
the whole thing falls over
and and just fitting in little things
each day which are rewarding
i think is uh central to to being
in good shape a good mood yeah
and i’d love to know those are listening
what are you doing to make sure
uh that you are somehow someway
feeling a little better about each day
even when you don’t know what
is ahead uh what do you what is your
habitual thing that you know that
you’ll fall back uh to make sure that
you kind of can keep
yourself together um for me i mean to me
your sleep’s just so important when i
don’t sleep everything
kind of crumbles and so there’s
about a dozen things i do every day to
make sure i can go to sleep and stay
asleep and uh
gosh i wish i wouldn’t have to do all of
them but i just know that the effect of
not sleeping on that
my mental health is so dramatic
i don’t know do you have trouble
sleeping at all graeme have you
yeah i mean i’m exactly the same i’m
exactly the same
when that’s going well you know my mood
is usually going well and when it’s not
and and and the you know the striving
thing is it it can sort of
be a self-fulfilling prophecy you start
to worry about it and then you
sleep less and in fact last year
i think it was around july um you know i
started to experience that
and uh and so even though you know i
hadn’t
seen a doctor about my depression for
about eight years i
went back and got on medication and that
really helped with the sleep again and
you know that’s the first thing he said
to me
this guy had known me for you know 12
years he says you know
one priority is you know getting the
sleep under control and
we did that and then you know other
things started to fall into place but
it can be easy and i think when there’s
a real sameness about our day and
like it was groundhog day for a lot of
uh last year you know doing
in the same place doing the same things
and so
it is really important to uh you know
just remind ourselves that self-care
isn’t selfish if we
don’t look after ourselves we can’t look
out for other people and support other
people
absolutely and thank you chev for
putting here
ongoing mindfulness practice checking in
with emotion mental and physical state
every few
hours that’s fabulous focusing on your
breath and i know
belinda said that she is uh you know
exercise
everything but thing is but struggles to
make it consistent and of course
everybody’s like scrambling right now
trying to do everything
um especially if you’ve got um little
ones that you’re trying to
sort out with you know homeschooling in
some sort of way
especially in victoria it makes it so
much harder doesn’t it
it really does and uh you know
it we have a long way to go
um and so what i think is really
important is not to think too far ahead
but just to really focus on one week
ahead
and to consider that working ahead when
am i doing things for myself when am i
when i’m doing my exercise what am i
you know getting into bed when am i you
know eating well
when i catching up with friends even if
it is remotely
and uh just to know that you have those
in the week ahead i think there’s a lot
of things for
just just having a bit of a sense of
control when there’s lots that are
outside our control
yeah graeme i’m
i i told you this last year i hadn’t
thought about
mentioning it tonight but i think it’s
important because it’s part of this
whole conversation about stigma
and you know that mental ill health is
such a terrible stigma
about it and i think as professionals in
workplaces
people don’t like to say that they’re
struggling because they don’t want
well for one everyone is worried about
losing their
roles and their jobs or more now than
they’ve ever been so
they don’t want to put their hand up to
say oh my gosh i’m not coping because
they’re worried that they you know
they’ll be somehow performance managed
out
um i think this whole thing about stigma
and
sharing our stories and you know when
so what to let you all know where i’m
going with this is that
i was watching graeme uh deliver a
webinar
and he talked about what he’s just said
that
he hadn’t seen someone for eight years
he was going really well but things
started to get really wobbly for him
and unravel and he wasn’t sleeping and
went back to see his
um support people and
and you know just by you saying it out
loud and being brave enough
to say i’m struggling again
to everybody who was listening
it made me go you know what i’m i’m
actually struggling too
this has been a really really tough year
i mean
you know as as speakers and people who
are doing training and development i
mean i know for you for me i lost 95
of my work in march for the for the
whole year and i felt
it’s just scramble scramble scramble and
i did do okay you know to keep my head
above water but
far out by the end of last year i was
drowning
and ignoring it ignoring it because i
felt
i couldn’t give myself the i give myself
a break i had to save my business and
you know and i and i felt that i had
this you know talking about what we talk
about that we had this
have this gift to help others so much to
get through the tough times yet
i was drowning and so
i you know i want to say again to you
thank you for for having the courage to
say it out loud
because you know that made such a great
impact on me because i went and thought
some help that i really did need at the
time and
i just hope that if we can all
be okay with sharing a story to to kind
of
get rid of this stigma that just because
we’re wobbly
for a little bit doesn’t mean we’re
going to be wobbly forever and it
doesn’t mean we can’t perform
that’s right and it’s really great if
you share share that um
heidi i’ve you know been
in this business talk you know my books
talk about
my experience my struggle and that sort
of thing
yeah but what i’ve come to know is that
when i share my story it gives people
permission to share their story
and and and so for anyone in the
workplace
i because stigma is still there you know
more or less in some organizations and
the thing that i really
recommend to people if you are in a
workplace is to confide
in someone you like and trust it doesn’t
matter if it’s your manner if it’s your
managers that’s great but if it’s
someone else
that’s fine as well have practice
talking about it and there’s a very odd
saying
that problems shared is a problem hard
and it’s so true
you know when you voice it um it you can
almost feel
the you know the levels the levels going
down
and i’ve also you know been on a long
journey
thinking about you know mental ill
health and is it really
all bad and and uh i’d be the first to
say that when you’re going through it
it does
but there was a a remarkable book that i
read
uh called a first-rate madness and it
was written by
an american psychiatrist called nasa
gimi
and what he did was to review some of
the most extraordinary
leaders in the last century or so and
looking at people
like winston churchill looking at people
like abraham lincoln looking at people
like gandhi looking at people like
martin luther king
looking people like jfk and what he was
able to show
and you know he um was able to tap into
research
and and uh previous documents to do this
was that these people
had actually had their own um you know
mental
illness breakdown you know abraham
lincoln had a really
shocking breakdown um as did winston
churchill he battled with
you know bipolar and drinking and yet
those two leaders
are thought as the you know the two
greatest leaders in the uk
and us respectively and
nessa gimme’s point is that they
they weren’t great in spite of their
mental illness but because of it and
what he means by that
was that because they’d been through it
they had a lot of
empathy um with other people they also
had
um were able to see reality so not not
be super optimistic not be super
pessimistic but you know see
a realistic um outlook and and
and also very very pragmatic and um and
i thought you know that that is really
great thing to
to share and in some of the creative
areas you know bipolar
uh you know some of the most amazing
artists of our
of our whole life our whole world
had bipolar and yeah that’s allowed
amazing creativity and productivity
so it’s not all bad and i think if you
if you learn the lessons and um i’m a
bit of a slow learner i have to keep on
learning it but
you know when you when you learn the
things that keep you well
and you do them and and i would say the
vast majority of time
that is for me now it you know i’m in a
much much better place
than i was before i went through that
really bad crisis so
um yeah yeah and graeme
what do you think i mean i mean i really
feel for like leaders right now they
they’re trying to lead teams uh through
through a screen
i mean i some you know some groups that
i’m working with
it’s that they haven’t even met in their
team members at all face to face so
how do you what are you what are your
insights on
how these leaders can actually create
well
i suppose um have these kind of you call
them
caring teams like to be still caring but
allowing performance to happen at the
same time what are your tips for that
yeah well i think one of the things with
leaders they’ve been hit really hard
and um you know i think one of the
biggest lessons for lisa
is self-care and some can be really
um guilty of trying to help and assist
everyone else without
without assisting themselves and and all
the evidence shows that
if a leader is a good place it flows
onto the team
and so that’s the very very first lesson
um the second lesson is you know the
importance of promoting connection
and it’s been much more challenging this
time as you say people have been
geographically isolated but um you know
i’ve heard some
you know great examples of organizations
you know having things
like trivial pursuit nights and movie
nights and
and also forming interests around clubs
you know
one group i worked with had a
photography club and a movie club and a
book club and
and so they we looked at other ways to
generate that
and um so i think there’s been a great
deal of um
you know innovation in that regard i
think largely
largely leaders have done a very good
job and and it’s been tough because of
they’ve often had to over communicate
especially in the beginning yeah
and whereas they might have you know one
little 45-minute meeting
a week suddenly their diary is full of
45-minute meetings yeah and and so
carving out time for self-care in the
day
is is really critical yourself but also
your team
absolutely and i love the the comments
we’ve got here i mean chev she said you
grow older you will discover that you
have two hands one for helping yourself
the other for helping others oh i love
that so much i love it too
that is just beautiful and and um
catherine kate has said you know i mean
i think it was when you’re talking about
the bipolar and
you know the great great artists it is
just different wiring right what’s to
say that
normal wiring is the only wiring and you
know
it’s not we’re just all different we’re
humans that’s what makes us so special
and unique
and uh to yeah to just kind of put
people into these
shoe boxes of this is the way you’ve got
to be in the way you’ve got to act and
the way you’ve got to feel
and no other way it’s not right
and it’s not helpful when we’re at work
trying to perform at all yeah and
and and having this diversity where
people can feel
they can be comfortable being themselves
they can express
ideas they can try things if it doesn’t
work out we learn from it move on and
i mentioned to you just before you came
on air that i’ve been interviewing
um some leaders for a new podcast i’m
doing the caring ceo
and one of them was mike schneider the
ceo of
bunnings and um i asked him
they’re actually rated the number one
most trusted brand
in australia corporate brand in
australia by roy morgan research
and i asked him and i asked him what the
secret was of that and he said
he really believed that a big element
was the huge diversity of their
workforce you know anyone who’s been in
a bunnings will see
all races all ages they actually have 30
but their workers are over 50. i think
that’s
the only workplace that has that higher
uh number of people but he thinks it’s
it’s having that diverse group there
who are really committed to helping he
really attributes
that that trusted brand is having an
embracing diversity yeah
well i think also i mean i you know i
have no idea how to do anything
that most people go to bunnings to get
things but any time
i cannot believe how helpful everybody
is and
shabb i think you know your they should
have
your um quote that you’ve got there as
their bunnies manager because i think
that’s what they do they are forever
seeking you out to see how they can help
you and tell you which aisle to go to
and um you know someone like me who has
no idea i
say oh i want to do this what do i need
and there’s something
there’s someone there to help out so um
i do love that
graeme uh you’re a professional speaker
and uh you know things obviously changed
quite dramatically
last year for you which
no doubt had an impact on the way you
felt about your career and
and and your life and yourself and your
self-worth
i mean like it did for everybody having
to
change that what are the specific things
that you’ve done
to i know you mentioned what you said
you think are the three self-care things
that everyone should do
but what are the things that you do when
things are really wobbly
to make sure that you can and i call it
to keep your resilience bucket strong
what are you doing you’re a really
really big thing for me
in fact it’s my one thing really is
meditation and
um i’m a very early riser i usually get
about
about five and meditate for 20 minutes
and um
and i was actually i was in that sort of
situation where i was doing most times
but not all the times and i have to be
listening
to a podcast where hugh jackman was
interviewed
and he’s been a lifelong meditator
and he said well he just made the
decision that
he was going to do it first thing every
day oh
if you jackman can do that i can try
that
and it is it is you know really
good to get something so good for me
out of the way first so that’s a that’s
a that’s a huge element
i also uh live very close right
right adjoining lane curve national park
and i find um you know nature really
really
rewarding and so when i feel those
anxiety levels
rise i really cut back on commitments
and i really
make sure i’m meditating make sure that
i’m walking in nature
and also catching up with good friends
and uh you know when i had my first
really bad breakdown
i was so ashamed i couldn’t really talk
with anyone
about it i really didn’t and that led to
you know a very severe
crisis and so i came back i really made
an effort to
uh nurture um male friends to do things
together
on a regular basis and i have uh you
know two mates i mean
meet at um curl cool in northern sydney
sunday we go for a
slow slow jog dance manly and back and
have breakfast and that’s every sunday
and uh you know there’s the exercise but
there’s also really great talking after
you’ve
been through that uh every thursday
morning with a friend that’s a partner
at um
kpmg we’re catching up at 6 30 tomorrow
we go for a walk and
and we’re able to talk about you know
the real stuff
and uh and i think i think there’s
something about walking shoulder to
shoulder
and in nature which makes that much
easier rather than looking directly at
people
so i so i have these um rituals where i
have
built this relationship over a period of
time and
when it happened and i mentioned back in
july last year
i got onto these people really quickly
and said look i’m struggling again if
you want to help ask me to go for a walk
i suddenly had uh you know my diary full
of uh
full of walk and there’s a wonderful
book that i read called frendimacy
friendmaster i can’t even say it’s a
combination of friend and intimacy
written by a woman and she talks about
three components of really meaningful
relationships and the and the first is
positivity you know it must be a great
experience
yeah that’s a no brainer
the second thing she says is consistency
and you know that’s why i really decided
to put
rituals in place them happen almost by
default
and the third element and this is the
area that many many men
um break down on is vulnerability you
know being able to talk
about you know what’s not going well
what you know what are you really
concerned about
and um a lot of men to tend to bottle
that up but um
yeah i’ve just really learned that um
nurturing
strong relationships it’s probably you
know it’s a fantastic element of
of life really yeah it really is i mean
that connection piece
is just such a crucial component uh
especially when things aren’t going well
and um unfortunately
you know you’ve you’ve got to have built
those you’ve got to nearly have the
rituals and the connections
prior to when things spiral out of
control because
when you were at rock bottom gee it’s
hard to stick to rituals it’s hard
to build connections it’s actually
nearly impossible and
i suppose that’s you know i know this is
part of your life work as part of my
life work to
help people understand that building
those rituals those good habits
those connections when times are good
so they will hold you together when
times get wobbly because
as we all know especially now they’re so
we
we can’t there’s so much we can’t
control there’s so much we have no idea
what
how it’s going to impact us and we just
do what’s good for us when we can when
we know we can
so that hopefully that will hold us
together and
i mean how beautiful that you got to
that point last year where you’re like
oh getting shaky i need i need my
support crew
and prior to probably you getting lower
lower lower lower
you’re out to bring all that together
before it got out of control
and it just turns around faster when
you’re able to do that you’re very right
you know when things are good you think
oh
i can skip the gym or i don’t really
need to do that but um
but it is a bit like a you know
vaccination
or inoculation by doing it um
you reduce the chance it will happen but
you also
probably are in better place that if you
do hit a
hard spot you can take that corrective
action yeah
i love what kate said here with the
great rituals require practice till they
become automatic absolutely like
cleaning our teeth right you know we
just all do it it’s just
part of the routine and that’s what we
need with
either waking up in the morning and and
meditating whatever it is i
i don’t know if we listen to the same uh
podcast with hugh jackman was it tim
ferriss one that you listened to yeah so
i only listened to it
oh actually and uh you know apart from
meditating
far out could hugh jackman get any
better so
for everybody who’s a bit of a hugh
jackman fan all the girls who
all right now all the boys um not only
does he meditate first thing in the
morning
but he sits in bed so he gets up he goes
and makes a cup of tea
for him and deb comes back to bed with a
cup of tea for deb
he reads to her for 15 minutes and then
she reads to him for 15 minutes like
oh my god that man is so divine
and i’ll tell you something else that um
he was one of the
first supporters of are you okay i think
it was in the second
year he did a you know a video
um encouraging everyone to are you okay
so
can you imagine how much it would cost
to get hugh jackman to endorse anything
but
he had a a good relationship with um
gavin larkin
the founder and yeah he’s a legend of my
i’ve got a bit of a man crush on him
you know i’ve definitely got a man crush
on him
yeah i mean when you get your bare feet
on the ground right in nature
far out that there’s something about
their feet on sand or grass or dirt
and you just feel that just
this connection with mother earth and
it fills you up it’s so beautiful um
our chev said walk and talk with graeme
that’s
is what she’s doing fantastic um
yes
so graeme last question for the night
uh i’d love to know what is
the most impactful piece of wisdom that
you have
been given what impact has it made on
your life
and uh what are the ripple effects of
that for you
i’ll try to mention too um i
once heard a saying and it was an indian
proverb that
relax relaxation is who you are
tension is who you think you should be
and
i know that this applies to me when
you’re
authentic when you’re doing your stuff
it feels right when you’re trying to be
someone else
or upset about you know an element
of how you you know live your life
it can often really really cause stress
so that was um
you know that i think is always um been
very meaningful to me and then the
second thing
sounds a bit odd but you know before we
came on air i mentioned that you know
unfortunately my
dad passed away um uh two weeks ago
and he had a long life a healthy life a
full life
and uh but you know there’s always the
the final shock when someone you know
it’s permanent you know it’s permanent
yeah
but i was asked but i was asked to um
[Music]
do a um the eulogy and
so i don’t know you know 91 years how do
you put it in 10 minutes and so
i asked 34 people at um well just to
write three words
they thought of when they thought of dad
and then
i had it turned into a word cloud into a
big heart
and as you know word clouds the largest
words the most frequently used and by
far the largest word
was generosity and um
and he was he was generous with his
advice his support
um he was generous in the community he
was uh
you know generous with his money and um
you know really remember that
the second ones were honesty and
integrity and then
cheeky and funny
and and the one that uh caused little
last was ice cream was on there
he loved uh he loved an ice cream
but there is a fabulous poem
called what will matter by michael
stevenson
and it really talks about you know what
is really important
in the cold light of day when all the
to-do lists are gone
what will really matter and i really
encourage everyone to find that if
and if you want to get a pdf copy of it
just uh
send me a message via linkedin be very
happy to send it to you
but it ended up saying that it’s not you
know your wealth it’s not where you live
that’s going to be remembered
it’s what you built it’s what you help
teach
it’s what you help grow it’s how people
remembered advice and i must say that
you know just seeing that
um word clutter dad was
yeah very very moving i’ve really been
just reflecting on it every day
for you know since his past of course
you would i went so close as kate said
it’s very fresh
and but what a beautiful thing to do a
word cloud with everybody’s one word i
love that i’ve never seen that i mean
what a treasure thing to have of a
memory
of what everybody remembers him for it’s
just beautiful
and it’s a message for us as well what
do we want to be remembered for when we
go
yeah what word what would you want
people to say about us
and um it does put
to-do lists and work
when you think about that absolutely you
know i think
i i think for all of us you know this
last 12 months has
really recalibrated a lot of things of
you know what it you know what what do
we want to do
what do we want to be remembered for
what should i
continue to be a part of
that is actually going to bring me
fulfillment and purpose because
you know the world can change in a
heartbeat
so what there’s no point just waiting
waiting for another time
to do that one thing or to be that one
great person we need to do it now
there’s a great uh thing i’ve read about
benjamin franklin
and benjamin franklin was an
extraordinarily
successful productive person he was an
inventor
a wealthy philanthropist and
a politician and everything and he
started each day by getting up at
at 5 00 a.m and answering this question
what good am i going to do today and
then at the
end of the day six o’clock he answers
the question what good did i do today
and uh and i think that uh you know
having some sort of ritual that works
for you whatever your
you know most productive time of day is
to really think about that you know
because when you’re
scrambling with work or scrambling with
other things if you are thinking about
how you could assist someone else it’s
uh it’s good for our well-being as well
it sure is so graeme i ask you um
what would be the one word that you hope
that people put in a word cloud for you
about your life what do you think that
one word would be
um i think i’m gonna try and
emulate my dad because i think i think
generous is um fantastic on
on so many fronts so that’s going to be
mine how about you
heidi what do you think what one word
would you like to strive for
well i i have always strived for
wanting to be remembered as courageous
that has certainly
been my word i you know no matter what’s
going on
how big the challenges are a little
that i have had the courage
to take that one step forward
to try to keep moving forward um rather
than getting stuck
and yeah so courage courage is certainly
the word for me
i it’s always been my word but i’ve
never thought of it in the way you’ve
described it
tonight but i certainly uh that would
definitely be my word i’d love to know
what the people who are listening
um what would your one word be that
you’d love
people to describe you for your your
legacy as chef said working on her
legacy this weekend what’s that one word
because i think if we we have that one
word i know
and people do have one there their word
for the year but
what’s the one word for your life that
every morning you wake up and go i have
i’m going to live
that today and if i can live that
every day just a little smidgy little
bit
wow
great great word there to ship kindness
what what a beauty
yeah need thinking time i mean
yeah you know it’s certainly
i really urge you to check out that poem
what will matter and
it really speaks to legacy and um
you know what will how will the world
remember us
um kate i know you’re still listening
there but can you just put what will
matter poem in the comments for me
because i that would just remind me uh
to find it and put a link in the
comments later but if you put it there
now that will just
sprinkle my memory once we’ve finished
and um oh thank you oh compassionate
linda thank you that’s a beautiful one
to have um so what’s going to happen
after we finish which is going to be in
a couple of minutes
is that i will find the i’m going to
find the poem and i’m going to put the
link here
um or you can just reach out to graeme
by linkedin because that’s he spends a
lot of time there
definitely and thank you thank you kate
um i’m also going to put a link
graeme has a wonderful uh video series
on how to well self-care
is not selfish is what you call it isn’t
it graeme um and
i think it’s very timely that
people really take the time to
prioritize themselves when
there’s so much we can’t control let’s
just focus on what we can control
because
when when we have that feeling that our
powers taken away
of everything in life that is what can
really impact our mental health
uh in a good way or a bad way so when we
can just focus on what we have a little
bit of control on which i know that’s
what you talk about within
that video series it can make such a
difference
so i will post that for you for you all
um so that you can do that but any final
questions for graeme any final words of
legacy that you would like to
to post we’d love to see them um graeme
thank you so much
thank you for always being so honest and
raw
and sharing your story
so that we for one can
dull down the stigma that comes with
mental ill health
firstly i mean that we all want to do
that
but secondly to encourage us to have the
conversations
because it’s those conversations and
connections with other
humans that can make such a difference
absolutely and thanks uh so much for the
opportunity to be on the show
heidi i’ve really admired your work it’s
been great getting to know you
much more in the last year and i’m sure
there’ll be a lot more a lot more
discussions going forward as well
absolutely they will
um so thank you everybody for joining us
if you would like to know who my
next lot of lineup of guests are you can
subscribe here to be notified
but in the meantime we hope you have a
wonderful two weeks
and um cheers
cheers to you graeme
have a lovely night and we will see you
real soon
good night
About Graeme Cowan:
Graeme Cowan helps leaders and teams to be more caring, resilient, and growth-oriented.
In his earlier career he worked in senior leadership positions with Johnson & Johnson, Pfizer, and AT Kearney.
In 2000 he went through a 5 year episode of depression that his psychiatrist described as the worst he had ever treated.
He emerged from this crisis with a different view about how we can increase our resilience, mood, and performance. He is described by the Australian Financial Review as a “workplace resilience expert”.
He is the author of 4 books, including the internationally acclaimed BACK FROM THE BRINK, which has a testimonial from the former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair, and which has become a best seller in China.
He attributes his writing prowess to religiously reading every edition of Rugby League Week when he was in Year 12.
Graeme also helped to start R U OK? in 2009 and is an active Board Director.
His Contact Details:
His Gift To You:
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